The Wows and Woes of Womanhood

My dear new Granddaughter Charlotte Rose Karan,

When I wrote a newsletter to your brother Jordan in 2004, I pointed out that life is not always full of sunshine and flowers. Jordan was reminded of that fact when blood was drawn during his circumcision. This rite signified, in part, that his world, like the one into which I was born way back in the days of World War II, is filled with hurt, conflict and pain. Not such good news for the males of the species.

When we contemplate what life has in store for girls in our time, especially in the Orthodox Jewish tradition, the picture becomes even more confusing and challenging. But don't fret, my little darling; keep in mind the lesson of a great lady named Heller Keller who, although blind and deaf from birth, taught that, "The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome.”

As my blessing to you, lovely Charlotte Rose, let me share with you some of the wonderful and inspiring lessons that I have learned, mostly from women!

You will discover, as you get older, that traditional Judaism excludes girls from many of the commandments that boys are supposed to perform. You didn’t have a brit, after all, and you won’t have to perform certain prayer rituals. Some might say that the Torah’s attitude towards women is condescending, callous, inferior, and demeaning.

You will also discover, my dear, that within the ranks of traditional Judaism are women who are trying to correct inequalities of the past, allowing girls to enter arenas formerly open only to boys. One person in particular who has spearheaded this feminist movement is Mrs. Blu Greenberg who lives in my community of Riverdale. She has written an excellent article called “Women and Judaism” in which she calls the traditional attitude regarding women as somewhat like a crazy quilt: “It is magnanimous, fair, and biased -- sometimes all three on the same sacred page." And while she feels that tradition and patriarchal Judaism need "some midcourse correction," all things being considered, Greenberg concludes that “there is considerable balance, benevolence, and deference to women throughout the sources.”

This equal opportunity movement, however, is also a mixed blessing. The danger of this approach has been well stated in a volume I read this year that is now on my all time favorite books list. The book is called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and it is by a psychologist named Dr. Wendy Mogel. Promoting equal rights for women and recognizing emotional vulnerability in men is not a bad idea, says Mogel, but it can lead to girls feeling they must excel in everything all the time. “If boys risk getting their spirits crushed in early elementary school, girls face a different challenge, fulfilling impossible expectations in adolescents. A typical teenage girl is under siege from the pressure to excel in everything.”

Take heart, sweetheart, your parents have chosen to give you names both in Hebrew and English with strong and majestic connotations, just what you need to guide you along the circuitous path of life.

I know that your father and mother spent a lot of time thinking about your Hebrew name, as they felt that the choice of name and the spiritual depth associated with the Hebrew language can have a significant impact of on one’s personality. Both Jordan and William already have distinct personalities, which reflect their names.

Jordan’s Hebrew name is “Yair Shalom” which loosely translates to “Radiate Peace.” Jordan has warmed so many hearts and has already become an integral part of his community. Your father and mother are often referred to as Jordan’s parents at their synagogue; and if he fails to show up on Shabbat morning, without fail your father is asked “Where is Jordan?”

William’s Hebrew name is “Hillel Gavriel” which loosely translates as “praise and strength.” You can already see these character traits in him as well. Imitation is one the highest forms of praise, and William is keen to mimic everyone around him – to the point of mouthing the spritzing sound of Windex and various cleansers that he collects in his cleaning bucket. As to strength – good luck taking away the swiffer before he is finished cleaning under the table – your parents actually bought another one, once they realized his steely determination.

Which brings us to your Hebrew name “Sarah Zerizah.” Considering your sex and status as third child, your parents want someone who sticks up for herself – not only with regard to two older brothers. They also want someone who is not afraid to take a stand in life – as evil flourishes when good people fail to act. Too many of the headlines of our day are about the evil and hatred that exists in the world. Zerizah mean ZEAL, as in someone who zealously pursues good deeds or noble principles. On that same point, Sarah is the name of the first Jewish spouse who, side-by-side with her husband Abraham, established ethical monotheism as life’s guiding principle.

Now to your English name. Your mother and father both just loved the name Charlotte, which happens to means LITTLE BEAUTY. You are also named after your two great grandmothers, Rose Karan and Rose Erlbaum.

Rose Erlbaum was a family woman, a devoted wife and mother to her two daughters – Bobby and Diane. She was a true family person – defining the word mother. While she lived her whole life in the New York area, she traveled often to Europe and Israel with her husband Jesse. She had a true zest for life…she passed away prior to finalizing her plans to travel the world.

My mother Rose Karan was the first of three girls, born and raised on a farm in Saskatchewan Canada. Winters in that part of Canada were brutal - the girls had to pitch in and help since there were no sons in the family to help my grandfather run his farm. As the oldest, my mother had extra responsibilities and grew up to be the caretaker of her parents and even her in-laws in their later years. She was our first family entrepreneur, convincing my father to take the initiative to start a family grocery business – to try to build equity for the future. She was also active in her Hadassah women’s group – your father personally remembers participating in an award luncheon for her contributions.

In addition to your great grandmothers, your parents also hope that you learn from your great-great Aunt Florence Lesser and from your two grandmothers, Annette and Diane. Florence personifies family, dignity and has true zest for life. My wife Annette personifies the name Zerizah – boundless energy and a true perseverance in her profession as a teacher and an MBA. Diane Schandler, or Grammy, is often your parents’ extra pair of hands, their babysitter of first resort, and a valued sounding board for many major decisions.

In our tradition, while a boy’s Hebrew name is given at the brit, a girl’s is given the next time the Torah is read publicly. Then days or weeks later, the parents hold a reception in the girl’s honor. This is called a “Simchat Bat,” and yours was a lovely affair held Feb 24 in the scenic community of Atlantic Beach where you will grow up close to the ocean. Your father taught a wonderful lesson about life from the Torah portion “B’shalach” read the day you were named; this is the same portion that will be commemorating your bat mitzvah, G-d willing, in 12 years.

The Torah portion chronicles the Exodus from Egypt and the splitting of the Sea with two seemingly redundant verses. Your father quoted a famous rabbi who offered that this demonstrates that there are essentially two types of Jews – leaders and followers. The leaders waded in to the sea, the first even up to his neck, and only then did the sea split and become dry land. The second group, who waited, went in on dry land through the split sea. So although there was one event, it was experienced in two separate fashions by those who led and those who followed.

Your father and mother actually had a dilemma about you even before you were born. They set January 14th for you to be induced; but on the night and morning prior, they debated that maybe you were not ready to plucked into existence. However, after learning this message of the Torah portion, they feel comforted that they made the right decision to initiate their own “breaking of the water” for you to be born.

It is the hope of everyone, our dear Charlotte Rose, that you live up to your names and your namesakes. We hope you follow in the footsteps and traditions of Rose Erlbaum and Rose Karan as well as your living matriarchs – people who lead their families with dignity, high standards and grace. Considering the challenges women face in our day, your father said it best at your Simchat Bat celebration: “We want you to be a ‘water person,’ he said, “not just because we live a block from the ocean, but because the world needs leaders, strong people who are not afraid to get their feet wet and follow the command of G-d to go into the sea to create lasting foundations.”