The newest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association will be released soon. In its pages are listed the mental disorders that reflect a consensus of evolving knowledge in our field. I have no doubt that this latest edition will include a rather severe mental condition which can best be termed PBMS (Pre-Bar Mitzvah Syndrome). This is a nonfatal but quite debilitating disorder seen in families of both Ashkenazi and Sephardic origin. I and other clinicians have treated many cases of what be called PBMS in the last decade, and it is about time that this condition receives the recognition it deserves.
We all know that since time immemorial, civilizations have marked the passage from childhood to adulthood at puberty. This was usually done with initiation rites, often with elaborate tests of physical endurance. If he persevered through the ordeal, the young man was welcomed into the adult community.
The Jewish tradition has its own rite of passage for young men called Bar Mitzvah. Although not mentioned specifically in the Bible, at age 13 a boy is recognized as a "son of the commandments," the literal meaning of Bar Mitzvah. He is now counted as a member of the quorum for prayer, required to wear phylacteries on weekdays, and he is obligated to observe fast days such as Yom Kippur. At 13 he can be called to read from the Torah during synagogue services; and if he makes an oath, it is legally binding.
The rabbis who instituted these practices understood what modern psychological research has found to be true, namely, that at puberty young people begin to think like adults; they begin to acquire the faculty for mature judgment and reasoning. In short, the young man is ready to be the recipient of responsibilities and privileges, both personal and religious, which are incumbent upon Jewish adults.
Make no mistake, there is an ordeal becoming a bar mitzvah, but nothing of the order of what takes place in some Third World societies. Among some Australian aborigine societies, a young boy is initiated into the duties and obligations of manhood by having several of his incisor teeth knocked out with a sharp rock by the adult men who are instructing him! In the Jewish ordeal, the emphasis is supposed to be on the spiritual and intellectual rather than on the physical. The young man studies and learns and prepares himself arduously for months, if not for years. The most dreaded part of the entire ordeal is probably the Bar Mitzvah speech: this is when the young man highlights what he has learned and, if he knows what's good for him, thanks all the people who have helped him reach this milestone.
Unfortunately, many modern bar mitzvahs have less to do with coming-of-age and more to do with lavish parties and conspicuous consumption. Families will often go to great lengths to throw an extravagant party to outshine any other family. This was dramatized in a mediocre but mildly amusing film entitled “Keeping up with the Steins.” In the movie, a young man’s family wants to trump the Steins who staged their son’s Bar Mitzvah party on a cruise ship with a Titanic theme. So they plan to rent Dodger Stadium for their bar mitzvah party, including Neil Diamond singing the National Anthem!
My own Bar Mitzvah in the 1950’s was a modest celebration limited to extended family; there was no PBMS, no profligate party, and no busted budget. I think the typical gift was a fountain pen. It was not until the 1970’s that lavish Bar Mitzvah parties began to become the norm. In the 1980’s when my daughter and then my son came of age, we made for them large but not over-the-top events. But today, it seems that the sky is the limit when it comes to planning for Bar Mitzvah. It is not unusual to find parties that feature hired dancers, expensive light shows, black-tie attire, expensive favors, and invitations that can easily cost $10 apiece. Worry over the size and expense of Bar Mitzvah parties is clearly one aspect of PBMS.
But there are other stressors of modern life that can create more of the Pre-Bar Mitzvah Syndrome. The high incidence of divorce in this country leads to particularly ticklish situations when it comes to working together, particularly if the divorced parents have a rancorous relationship. In such families, planning a Bar Mitzvah can be more than a little bit frustrating, anxiety provoking and even sad - clear signs of PBMS. Even in families which are intact, the syndrome may arise over differing values or levels of religiosity. Over the years, I have known families in which one parent was Orthodox and the other barely observant, leading to conflict over how to celebrate holidays and happy occasions. The situation can become even more complicated if the parents are of two different faiths. Does the non-Jewish father of a Jewish boy get called to the Torah at his son's Bar Mitzvah? Issues such as these certainly generate Pre-Bar Mitzvah Syndrome. Sometimes the only solution is to have two affairs, one suitable to one side of the Bar Mitzvah’s family and the other affair suitable to the other.
What is not acceptable is to sidestep a Bar Mitzvah celebration altogether. Most Jews do not realize that according to tradition, they are required to throw a party. Ironically, according to some scholars, it is the delivery of the dreaded discourse or Bar Mitzvah speech which obligates the boy's family to throw a party. Having a special meal or se’udat mitzvah is a common religious practice after the completion of a tractate of sacred text. Before Passover, firstborn males are supposed to fast. But I and other firstborns usually get off the hook by hearing someone finish a Talmudic tractate which then allows us to join in a modest se’udat mitzvah. In other words, no Torah spiel, no tasty meal! And lest one think that these parties confirm the worst stereotype about Jews, we should also remember that other cultures also believe that special times demand special meals. In India, a wedding can be a feast for the whole town at a cost exceeding the family's annual income!
That being said, it is appropriate that I share some impressions of the recent Bar Mitzvah of my oldest grandson. The celebrating actually began this year in mid-February when Doni, his parents and siblings made a pilgrimage to Israel. This was not my grandson’s first trip to Israel by any means, but it was the first time that he was old enough to be called to read from the Torah and he did so in the holiest spot on earth for Jews, namely, the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Doni visited other holy places in Israel on this pilgrimage, and he also had a chance to meet and celebrate this milestone in his life with the many extended family members residing all over Israel. Then it was back to Rochester where, on a particularly snowy weekend in late February, I attended a series of joyful celebrations in Beth Sholom Synagogue for Doni. On the Shabbat of his bar mitzvah, Doni led prayer services morning and afternoon, read the entire weekly portion from the Torah scroll, chanted the Haftorah or portion from the Books of the Prophets, and, because it was Purim weekend, read the entire Megilla or Scroll of Esther. This is a prodigious accomplishment considering that there are different cantillations or melodies for each sacred reading and there are no vowels or punctuation marks in the scrolls. (My own performance at my Bar Mitzvah pales in comparison since I only led one service and chanted the Haftorah.) Doni also gave a speech at the Friday night meal attended by family, friends—including his non-Jewish soccer teammates—and colleagues of his parents. There were many other speeches and presentations over the course of the entire weekend as family members shared with Doni some words of wisdom, some words of humor, and some expressions of their creative talent.
I do not know how much these pilgrimages and parties cost my daughter and son-in-law; but Doni has clearly shown himself worthy of a grand celebration. He is serious about his ritual observance and attends services every day even when his father is not there; at the same time he retains a youthful exuberance, as when he hustled after the candy that was part of his Bar Mitzvah celebration.
In short, it is perfectly normal if we sometimes eat, drink, and dance in honor of a child transitioning into adulthood, particularly if he is beginning to display more spiritual depth, more religious commitment, and more intellectual sophistication. The symptoms of PBMS can be alleviated, it seems to me, if the joyful celebration, however big or small, honors such development. It should in no way be just an excuse to alienate a branch of the boy’s family nor should it be a celebration of dollars spent for their own sake.
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