Journeys for Silver Linings

On a very cold Tuesday morning this winter, a person very close to me went out the side door of his house to retrieve his newspaper. He stepped on what turned out to be a patch of black ice, and he fell to the ground hitting his head. He got quickly to his feet feeling seemingly okay, and he went back inside his house to prepare for his day in the office. It was shortly time for him to get into his car to drive to work, but after driving around the block he realized that he was having difficulty using either the gas pedal or the brake pedal. He managed to return to his house and decided to lie down to rest for a while. It was when he tried to get out of bed that he became aware of paralysis on his right side. He somehow managed to roll out of bed but landed on the floor where he could only prop himself up against the dresser near his bed. He was extremely fortunate to have his cell phone nearby (if not he would probably have died) and called his friend who told him she was calling an ambulance and would meet him at his house. He was soon whisked away by EMTs directly to the ICU of the local hospital, bypassing the emergency room. This hospital was equipped with a trauma center, which was necessary because the fall resulted in a serious subdural hematoma, an often-fatal injury. You see, the man who fell was taking Coumadin, a blood thinner, every day because he suffered from periodic atrial fibrillation; so the bleeding that occurred from the accident which pooled on his brain was greater because of the anti-coagulating effect of the blood thinner. The doctors and neurosurgeon in the ICU decided the best course of action was to allow the patient's body to reabsorb the blood, but the prognosis for full recovery was far from certain. At the present time, the patient is still in recovery from the fall, undergoing intensive occupational and physical therapy. He has gained mobility and use of his right extremities, but his balance is shaky. He will not be able to drive again for at least six months and his life is irretrievably altered.

Shift focus for a moment from the previous tale of woe and consider another person, also someone close to me. Circumstances of life gave this man an opportunity to do something that was long overdue, namely, to reflect on his life and his schedule. He realized that he was giving freely – often too freely – of his time to clients, often making home consultations or taking emergency calls without being recompensed. In short, he had been too busy meeting the real or imagined needs of others. He realized that he could make a fresh start, develop a new and simplified style focusing on an abbreviated work schedule with more time for exercising, reading, traveling, meeting new people, and generally enjoying a new lease on life. He could identify alternative professionals to carry on his responsibilities, leaving him free from obligations to others and free to focus on his own needs.

In case you haven't guessed, the people in the vignettes I have described are one and the same person, my brother Dr. Orv Karan. The subdural hematoma may have disabled him but it also enabled him to appreciate his life more. And while it may take a while to get over the effects of his cerebral crucible, he never lost his power of speech or cognitive ability and looks forward to a full and fulfilling life ahead. What a silver lining for a catastrophic event in one's life!

There are people in life, usually pessimists, who are constant Fault Finders; at every opportunity, they see difficulties and potential disasters. This is probably not a bad perspective for people in law enforcement, homeland security, or litigation. Personally, while I counsel others to be optimistic because of research attesting to the health benefits of such positive thinking, I sometimes struggle to control bitter and resentful feelings in the face of crises or setbacks.

My brother, on the other hand, is a true Benefit Finder. He didn't wish for this accident to happen and he clearly has had his share of painful, frightful, embarrassing, even angry feelings as a consequence of the fall. Nor is he someone who believes that things happen for the best. But he accepts that it is possible to make the best of things that do occur. Or to put it more crudely, stuff happens and one can either let it pollute things or make fertilizer from it.

There is one other person in my family who is a true Benefit Finder, who has always delighted in solving problems or conundrums which others found challenging. I'm dedicating this publication to my son Eddie for reasons that will soon be self-evident. But first some background. Eddie entered marriage in 2002, and he has been blessed with three wonderful children; but his marital relationship began to falter until it was clear that the best option was separation and divorce. To Fault Finders, such a decision could lead to feelings of vindictiveness, contempt, and deep regret. During this difficult and challenging period, Eddie always maintained a forward-looking perspective and chose to focus on what was good and what was created. He learned to value and maintain consistent involvement with his beloved children, Jordan (age 10), William (age 8), and Charlotte (age 7), despite his work demands as a Private Banker and changing family life. During the divorce process, Eddie preferred to stay in the same community of Atlantic Beach where he often taught Bible classes. And while this took time to prepare, it gave him a regular chance to reflect in a public forum on insights from sacred texts and their relevance to his particular circumstances in life that week. When my wife and I have attended these classes, we have marveled at our son's clear, coherent style of instruction as well as the number of people who tell us they come expressly to synagogue to hear what Eddie will be teaching about life that week.

But here's where the story gets really interesting and highlights the benefit of being a Benefit Finder. Soon after settling into a new home, to complicate Eddie’s life even more, Hurricane Sandy struck home. Of course, residents of Atlantic Beach, so close to the ocean, were in real peril during the storm. A Fault Finder might have used such an occasion to lament his misfortune, to play the blame game or try to provoke sympathy. But always foreseeing a brighter future, Eddie used this opportunity to spend Shabbat with friends in Manhattan and asked his friend Alan Mitrani, as he put it, "to give me the name of your top draft choice for me." So in the midst of a hurricane, Eddie got an opportunity to be introduced to a woman by the name of Dana Federbush. As it turned out, Dana (pronounced Donna) had attended the same high school as Eddie although they were not in the same grade. So this gave them many shared connections. From that fateful first conversation, Eddie and Dana developed a flourishing relationship finding that they truly enjoyed each other's company and that they shared similar values about family, children, and religion. Eddie had this smart, pretty, and perky lady with a megawatt smile and an infectious laugh by his side during a difficult period in his life. 



Dana, Charlotte, Jordan and William



As a responsible father, Eddie clearly had concerns how Jordan, William, and Charlotte would fit in with his pursuit of a new partner. This turned out to be the easiest part. Dana not only had credentials as a trained social worker and Director of Adult and Children Programming at the 14th Street Y in New York City; more importantly, she is blessed with a natural affinity and rapport with children. When the time came to meet their father's new friend, there was immediate synchronism. Annette and I were also instantly impressed when we met Dana. Here was a lovely and appealing woman in whose presence we felt so at ease and who made our son smile. As Eddie was smitten by her - and, clearly Dana by him - they each epitomized the words of the poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning who wrote, "You were made perfectly to be loved - and surely I have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long."

Always seeking new beginnings, Eddie proposed to Dana, on the cusp of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and they were married in the Museum of Jewish Heritage in Manhattan on Sunday, January 25, 2015. It was a magical event; and as I stood under the canopy and watched my son become united with his beloved Dana, I cried tears of joy to see their palpable happiness. In addition to delightful feasting and dancing at this milestone, traditional Jewish weddings also have rituals to remind us that our national and personal lives include unexpected calamities and fissures. Before the ceremony, ashes were put on Eddie's forehead that he might mourn the destroyed temple even on the day of his greatest joy, and the ceremony ended with the breaking of a glass. So, too, under the canopy, Rabbi Ari Perl of the Jewish Center of Atlantic Beach who performed the wedding also invoked the memory of deceased grandparents, particularly Dana's maternal grandmother, a wonderful role model who, sadly, had passed away in the months leading up to the wedding.

The Shabbat following the wedding, Eddie and Dana celebrated the end of their sacred first week of marriage in Atlantic Beach. I was proud and extremely impressed when Eddie shared with me the following message that he delivered from the pulpit to the congregation of Atlantic Beach that Shabbat. He asked his audience to consider why, during the Exodus, the Israelites didn't just head due northeast and hightail it to where they were going much sooner?  After all, they were in such a rush to leave Egypt; they barely had time to bake bread amidst the hustle and bustle of miracle after miracle. Yet suddenly the narrative comes to a grinding halt. The ex-slaves had to wander and meander in the desert for 40 years before they could enter the Promised Land. The lesson, he said, is that to truly forge a nation, it requires a journey, an odyssey of rumbling around uncharted territory until the people can recognize the parts of themselves that were needed in order to achieve wholeness. In short, there are no shortcuts to Jerusalem. The same concept applies to forging a family. Dana and Eddie could have linked up years earlier: they went to the same high school; after college, they lived in the same neighborhood on the west side of Manhattan and attended the same synagogue. So close, yet both of them needed to go on a proverbial journey through their own deserts in order to mature and be stronger for the time - the really right time - when they connected for good. Eddie also reminded his audience that during the Exodus, Moses carried the bones of Joseph. To a Fault Finder, this would seem like excess baggage, an unnecessary burden. But to a Benefit Finder, the journey was ennobled with the presence of a precious heirloom, a symbol of someone who thrived and survived under most dire circumstances. What a wonderful legacy to take on that fateful pilgrimage.



Eddie and Dana



Fault Finders think the glass is half-empty or constantly breaking, and more often than not it is - for them. But the Benefit Finders such as my son and my brother know there are no shortcuts to recovery and success. They are aware that the next phases of their journeys through life are bound to be long and winding with new challenges.  But they are prepared to invest in working hard to live life as if it really matters.

Full recovery from a subdural hematoma usually takes place within six months or not at all. My brother feels, and his therapists concur, that he is making such extraordinary progress that he is on target to reach the desired goal. So just as my son's uncle is crying "uncle" at the thought of ignoring his needs any longer, Eddie, too, is determined to start anew, to make this marriage a thriving and vibrant one. May he and Dana reap the benefits of a life lived so well, to quote Browning again, that "our work shall still be better for our love, and still our love be sweeter for our work."