Elder Abuse and Grandparent Alienation

Sadly, millions of older Americans are victims of elder abuse each year; government statistics suggest that  as many as one out of every ten people 60 and older suffers intentional  physical, emotional or sexual abuse.  These statistics do not even include the large number of senior citizens who have been cheated or financially exploited, often by their own children.

 There may well have been incidents of elder abuse when I was a young boy growing up in the Midwest after World War II. But what I saw directly in my own family and all around me was not an aversion but rather a reverence for elders. I remember having to move from one city to another when I was seven years old, and this was so that my father could live closer to his parents who needed his care and supervision. A few years later, my maternal grandparents came to live with us. At one point we even rented a room in our house to Mrs. Becker, an elder boarder. I saw the same pattern in the homes of my cousins in Chicago and other cities where grandparents either lived with their children or very close by. My wife reports a similar situation in her family as her maternal grandmother lived with her through her formative years.

 Social scientist like myself can uncover reasons why elders in earlier times were viewed less as a burden and more as a duty. Was it due to economic necessity? I can certainly affirm that this may have been a factor since both parents could work if a grandparent was around to cook and take care of the children. Was it due to a shorter lifespan? Instead of the age defying, youthful looking seniors of today, the elders I remember as a child seemed frailer, helpless and more in need of care and compassion. In short, they needed us, and we needed them as well.

This is not to say that the elders of my youth or even my own grandparents were perfect role models. For sure, my mother's mother, Bubbe Fanny, would have been a unanimous first ballot choice for Grandmother Hall Of Fame. She raised three daughters and worked side-by-side with my grandfather on their farm in Canada, and he could be a harsh and difficult person at times.  When she lived with us, which was, unfortunately, a short time because she died of brain cancer, I don't believe I ever met a person who was more kind or patient than Bubbe Fanny.

Yet it didn't matter if our grandparents were unsaintly, quirky, or irascible. It didn't even matter to some people I know if their grandparents were abusive or abandoned their families for long stretches of time. What did matter was when these elders were around, they were welcomed into our homes and treated with deference and respect. We accepted them as they were, somewhat flawed individuals, but still able to enrich our  lives and also possibly help out in times of need.

Fast forward to modern times, and attitudes have changed radically. Thankfully, some of this change is positive: just as religious institutions no longer protect pedophiles or abusers, so, too, families no longer tolerate cruel or toxic members who have done terrible things such as perpetrating physical and verbal abuse. It is accepted practice to turn our backs completely on an abusive parent, because such a parent will be a bad influence on the grandchildren.

 Grandparent Alienation Syndrome

Notwithstanding, what I am seeing more and more in my clinical practice nowadays is an insidious form of elder abuse that has been called Grandparent Alienation Syndrome or GAS. This involves situations in which grandparents are marginalized or outrightly banned from contact with their grandchildren, often for no apparent reason. Do you know what you will find if you search for evidence of abuse, addictions, untreated mental illness, suspected personality disorders, or deliberate and repeated undermining of parental decisions? Quite simply, zilch.

 Occasionally rationalizations are given for cutting off the grandparents, although they're not very compelling. Sometimes it is blamed on grudges dating back to when the parents were young and things were said, often in the heat of arguments, that shouldn't have been said (" This is payback time. ") Sometimes if there was marital conflict or divorce, it is a way of blaming or punishing a parent perceived to have been in the wrong ("You should not have left my mom.") Sometimes it is a conflict over money or possessions ("I'm entitled to those jewels"). Sometimes it's blamed on differing religious or political beliefs or values ("I'm not comfortable with the man you're marrying to replace my father. ")

It has also been postulated that the frenetic pace of the lives of young families today and the services available to them also erode the connection with the older generation. There is no time for Grandma and Grandpa, and they are not as needed as before.

What is happening is often just Kafkaesque and inexplicable. Grandparents - even those who were devoted to their children and grandchildren, who enjoyed what seemed to be close relationships, who made no egregious mistakes out of the ordinary - are summarily denied contact with their beloved grandchildren. Grandparents' phone calls and letters are unanswered, their gifts are not acknowledged, and they are treated as disposable commodities. Even worse, this alienating attitude is overtly or covertly transmitted to the grandchildren: the targeted grandparent is erased in the heart and mind of the child or is even portrayed as unloving, unsafe, and unavailable.

 This problem of grandparent alienation syndrome is so widespread that there is even a nationwide twelve-step program called Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, or AGA, which is based in Florida but operates in many other states.

It is especially troubling to me as an Orthodox Jew that many of the young people who are abusing their elders in this way are members in good standing in prominent Orthodox synagogues. The same children who are being programmed to shun their grandparents are sent to prominent Orthodox day schools and Israeli Yeshivot. Shouldn't people of faith realize more than others that honor and compassion for those who brought us into the world is a divine mandate?

 Therapeutic Approaches

As a grandfather and therapist, I will continue to educate people about all types of elder abuse and will encourage counseling and treatment to cope with personal and family problems that contribute to any abuse. I know full well that grandparents can derive tremendous pleasure from relationships with grandchildren and can suffer terrible pain and loss when those relationships are disrupted or prevented. If an alienating parent consents to see me with or without the scapegoated grandparent, I try to listen for underlying, unresolved feelings of pain, heartache, and longing masquerading as anger and self-righteousness. Alienating sons and daughters need to be fully heard and understood by their parents if there is to be any hope of repair and reconciliation, and I aim to facilitate that dialogue.

 Meanwhile, I teach relaxation exercises and detachment strategies to senior citizens who are experiencing grandparent alienation to help them cope. I may refer them to support groups. I also advise them to continue periodic letters, e-mail messages or phone calls even when they are rejected. I encourage observant women to light candles for each of their grandchildren and to pray for their well-being. Above all, I counsel the grandparents to take care of themselves and to go on with their lives as best they can.

 The good news is that not all grandchildren who are exposed to these alienation strategies succumb to the pressure. Experts on parental estrangement report that working with such families combines skills akin to wrestling with alligators and tenderly rocking the vulnerable children in each party. Bottom line: relationships can be mended even with alienated children although it takes  time, patience  and a persistent effort.